The Secret Pain of Abortion
Sometimes I think it's what I don't remember
that bothers me the most. So many details that have been lost by denial.
The noise of the vacuum that others said was horrifying for them, but that
I couldn't recall. The regret that I'm uncertain if I felt at all in that
hour afterward as I lay there utterly alone in my solitude. The reality of
the magnitude of the voluntary sacrifice of the lives of my children as I
moved on throughout the years of my life since then, acting as though I
never lost a thing.
None of it hit me until fourteen years later when my
life had completely fallen apart and I came on bended knee, weeping at the
foot of the cross. Again and again I tried to lay down this long hidden,
long ignored burden that suddenly weighed upon my heart so heavily that
despite my new found life in Christ, I was certain it would be my death.
It took me another four years until I would allow myself to receive God's
healing in this area of my life. Forgiveness came hard for me. I
understood that God had forgiven me. I knew that in that instant, He had
cast my sin as far as the east is from the west (Can you visualize such a
distance?! It is one that has no end.) Truly, He remembered my sin no more!
The God who created me had forgiven me. The only problem, was that I could not
forgive myself. I silently tormented myself, replaying timeworn bits and pieces
of it's horror over and over in my head. It was almost like a penance for my sin.
I refused to allow myself forgiveness because I felt I didn't deserve it. And anyway,
how could I forgive what I could not clearly remember? Those days were blanketed
in a haze of drugs and alcohol, but mostly I think I could not remember the details
because I knew in my heart that my choices were were wrong, and yet I chose it anyway...
and then I buried the memories along with my babies.
But you don't bury babies that you choose to
abort. Society doesn't allow that privilege. Abortion is horrific and
shameful and society doesn't grant you a time of mourning because it is
viewed as the equivalent of murder. And after years of knowing that is how
women like me were looked upon for having had not merely one abortion, but two,
that is exactly what I felt like. when I finally came face to face with the
reality of my actions. It didn't matter that fourteen years had gone by. At that
moment and for a long time to come, the wound was as fresh to my heart as
though I had just had those abortions yesterday. And although I heard the
words of my sisters in Christ over and over again telling me, "You are
forgiven." All I could feel was condemned. Grievous, and shameful,
unforgiven, and dirty and condemned because now, every time I looked upon
my family, I had three children where there should have stood five. I
would never in this life be able to hold them, or kiss them, or see them
grow because of a choice I had made...and there was nothing I could do to
bring them back.
So how do you tell an 18 year old child that
the decision she is contemplating is the wrong one that will effect her
for the rest of her life? How do you explain to someone who argues
"It's my body!" that it really doesn't matter because your moments
of sacrifice start the minute you conceive a life? Or when they say,
"It's not really a baby until it's born." How do you explain the
heartbeat, the tiny fingers and the one of a kind fingerprints that are
already forming? And when they say, "Once I get this abortion, I'll be
able to move on with the rest of my life?" How do you tell them that
with that abortion, they will lose a piece of themselves that they will
never, never be able to regain again? How do you tell them? How do you
explain regret or talk about sacrifice when the world is new and they have
their whole life before them? And what if they feel that such a
responsibility is inconvient and interferes with their lifelong plans and
dreams? How do you put it in perspective with God's plan for that baby
within them?... The baby who He has called by name.
My first abortion at the age of 18 occurred
because I was with someone I had no business being with. My boyfriend was
a married man "in the process of a divorce." When I joyously announced
that I was going to have a baby, he was quick to tell me how I couldn't
because it would interfere with him getting custody of his two children
from his wife. In my mind, I sacrificed my child for his. His mother was
quick to remind me that I had murdered her grandchild. My second abortion
in all of it's uncertainty, haunted me for many years. I was never
completely sure if the father of this baby was my married boyfriend or if
he was a young biker who I only knew briefly when he died in a motorcycle
accident. At the time, I was determined to have that baby...until I sat down
with family and shared my condition with them. The reality of that conversation
and what I would have to sacrifice and how my life would change was enough to make
me realize that I wasn't ready.
I didn't want to quit drinking, or smoking or riding motorcycles.
Ultimately, I chose me over my baby.
Playing the martyr in my mind was easier than
coming face to face with having to sort through whose baby I had really
aborted. If you read the written version of my testimony "Dancing To
A Different Tune", you'll find that I express my feelings that the father
was the biker. In the end, God showed me differently and I adjusted the downloadable
version on the website to reflect this newly discovered truth. Although I had
earlier declined the chance to take part in a post abortion group, I
finally accepted the opportunity to work through all of the things that I
had buried for so long. It came about in the form of a 12 week post
abortion program entitled "Set Free and Forgiven" offered by
Pathway to Peace Ministries in Phoenix, Arizona. I had
contacted Director, Sharron Hummel for permission to list her
ministry as a resource in our newsletter. A friendship soon formed and
Sharron offered to do a group just for the women of LIGHTDANCERS.
Four of us expressed the desire to go through with the class. By the end
of the session, there were only two women left, and I was one of them. It
was an extremely rough 12 weeks, but finally, after all of these years, it
was my time to heal.
What grated on me most through much of that
time was what eluded my memory. So much that wasn't there or that I had
forgotten. The first jolt on my road to healing came on the night when I
rounded the corner from Sharron's house and came face to face with my
past. As I approached the stop sign, there in front of me, was the townhouse I
was living in with my married boyfriend 18 years ago when I had my first
abortion. Each week grew more challenging as I wrestled with so many
questions I had no answers to. How far along was I? Who was the father?
How could I have rationalized abortion over adoption? What type of
abortion was preformed on me? I poured over my diaries for clues. I
graphed out dates. I contemplated requesting my records from Planned
Parenthood. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. And when I couldn't pray
anymore, my husband prayed for me. In the years between, God had
transformed him from a man who felt I should just leave the past in the
past where it belongs, to a man who stood in the gap and supported me in
prayer and with tenderness in a way I'd never known
before.
You don't ever really "get over it," but there
is healing to be found. It's not something you can push someone towards.
Unlike the abortion you may have rushed headlong into, you have to be
prepared for this part of the journey. Dealing with the memories of your
experience can manifest many other things in your life. I discovered an
underlying anger that I wasn't aware I even possessed. But, after 18 years
of obliteration, I finally attained peace and forgiveness. No longer did I
cringe in silence or well up with tears of shame and pain when something
came on the TV about abortion. God used the funeral of a friend's baby to
bring to the forefront of my life the fact that I needed to journey across
this bridge of forgiving myself. I discovered along the way that I had
some issues of unforgiveness towards the people who were around me at the
time as well. It took me writing letters I never mailed, creating gifts
for the babies I never held, trusting God to bring the details to mind
that I was unable to recall without physically retrieving the official records,
and for the first time, simply acknowledging that the lives of two children passed
through mine. Finally, I was allowed to heal.
If you are pregnant and contemplating the
option of abortion, I cannot convey enough the tremendous effect that
such a choice can have on your life and on the lives of those around you. You owe
it to yourself and your baby to not allow yourself to be pressured by others, but
rather to weigh your alternatives informatively before you decide. If however, you
have already experienced the pain of abortion and are at the point in your life where
you are ready to reconcile the experience through forgiveness and healing, there
are people who can help. To learn more about the harsh reality of abortion, the
alternatives available to you, or to obtain help through the healing process,
please click on the image below and then scroll down to the
Pregnancy and Abortion section.
"...Instead of your shame
you shall have double honor."
Isaiah 61:7
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